Hybernating

I was busy talking about myself and what I wanted to say....so here I am...
hybernating.

I am tired of my pathological critic.

Bridges of Madison County

...and that just brings back the memory. The movie that caused so much pain in my heart.
Robert...alam mo ba ang tinatawag na "tortured sense of divided loyalties? Yan ang nararamdaman ni Francesca.
natatandaan mo ba ang linyang ito:
Francesca: "I want to keep it forever. I want to love you the way I do now the rest of my life. Don't you understand... we'll lose it if we leave. I can't make an entire life disappear to start a new one. All I can do is try to hold onto to both. Help me. Help me not lose loving you."
Di ba nakakabaliw. Matagal nya itong pinanghahawakan...sa pag aakalang mawawala ito ng kusa. Subalit, sa haba ng panahon at sa muling pag uusap nila, naroroon pa rin ang nararamdaman nilang kapwa sa isa't isa.
Hindi ko lang alam, kung ang nararamdaman ni Francesca ay alam ni Robert. Napakahirap isipin. Nag e exist nga ba talaga ang ganito?? Kung mababasa mo to....comment ka nga pls!

remember this song...your last song for Francesca
HIDING INSIDE MYSELF

I've been so alone all my life
I couldn't give my heart to anyone
Hiding in myself was a man
Who needed to be held like everyone

The days moved into years
I look for warmth between the tears
It never ever found me
Never ever found me
Yes, I did seem to grasp at straws
They surely broke all the time

So I hid inside
(Till) I almost died
Yes I hid inside and I cried
A loving heart in a sensitive man
Hiding inside myself

Then you came out of nowhere
I could not believe my heart
I didn't know how to tell you
Didn't know where to start
I know you understand

When I hid inside
I almost died
Oh, I hid inside and I cried
A loving heart in a sensitive man
I know you'll understand



"True love is possible, even in the scope of a life of compromise, and in the middle of nowhere, on the far side of any age..."

The Big July Move

Finally....
I eased my way to the new pad. My own little place. Bringing me a new life, new beginning and whoooaaaa...... "single." ;p
For few more days, I will be leaving the good `ol house. Since the big ugly news was dropped on my face, I was never comfortable living here. I just wanted to pack up and leave right away if I could...pero eto na, sa wakas, makakalipat na rin.
Wag na lang tatanungin kung ano ang nasa loob ng utak at puso ko. They're still not coordinated. hahahahahahha

MY big take after all this stuff that's happening in my life....I finally don't rebel against Him anymore. Wala akong panalo talaga. It may sound like "stereotype" pero I've been asking for His guidance. As I open the bible, maganda ang rhema na binibigay nya sa akin....and it's a good relief.
If this is a big lesson for both of us to learn, then I've learned a lot...the hard way.
Psalms 71

Dear Marthony,

I'm finally closing the final chapter of our book...



i've finally found my closure.

(edited on july 17, 2006~ some words had been erased by this blogger.)

Beh

I'm just wondering how much you have to put up with me.....
your patience is up to the roof...and it is just so unbelievable.
I know I didn't made a mistake this time.
This is it.....this is The End!

I know you've heard this several times from me....but I still need to let you know how much I Love You....& always been grateful for your love without boundaries!

June Bug

Gone away is the booger.....I've waited up to this time to write about my days in June. I feel blessed. Too many things had happened to me in the past few weeks.....I am so ready for a brand new life.
Meanwhile, in my work world....ahhh basta lang....tuwa lang ako...kahit na threat na akong I fire out for not getting my ethics, yearly eval, and kung anu-ano pa. But everything is still ok. Someone up there is always on my side.
Another thing is that I can't get off to my usual weight. I wanted to look and feel good. I've shared this dilemma to Ipe...he said he already deliberately gained himself some weight, "para pag andyan na ako, hindi ka na maiilang, pareho na tayo, sama tayo mag exercise at mag walk, hindi ka nag iisa." My heart just melted away. I pinched myself thinking I was just dreaming, I guess I wasn't.



"Real love, I've learned, is a very, very strong form of forgiveness. I don't think people yearn for love because they hate staying home alone on a saturday night or because they dread going to restaurants alone. People want love because they want their taped-together glasses or ten extra pounds to be forgiven. They want someone to look past the surface of stuff like bad hair days, a too-loud laugh or potato chips crunching in their living-room couch when anyone sits down."

Asa ka pa!

Para sa mga taong nanliligaw, nagbabalak manligaw,
nililigawan, naliligaw, nag-iintay maligawan at nagbabalak
lumagay sa magulo..........
Ang love ay hindi minamadali... hindi pinipilit..at lalong hindi
kina-career...
Aray ko.
unang-una...
PAANO MO BA NASABING MAHAL MO NA SIYA???...
dahil ba natutuwa ka sa kanya???...
o kaya naman naaaliw ka???...
naswee-sweetan ka ba ng sobra sa kanya???...
kinikilig ka ba pag nakikita mo siya???...
at nahi-high kapag naririnig mo na ang boses niya???...
eh teka muna...
baka naman infatuated ka lang....
o kaya naman kagaya nga ng sagot mo...
BAKA naaaliw ka lang...
dahil kakaiba siya...
may spark na hindi mo maintindihan...
tsk!!!...
ang saklap nyan!...
pangalawa...
GAANO MO NA BA SIYA KAKILALA???...
madali ba siyang mapikon???...
pano ba siya mabadtrip???...
madali bang mahalata na may topak siya???...
ano bang suot niya pag nasa bahay siya???...
shorts ba o pantalon???...
nakasando ba siya o naka-t-shirt lang???...
matagal ba siyang maligo???....
kumakain ba siya ng vegetables???...
tamad ba siya???...
mas gusto ba niyang manood ng tv kaysa magbasa ng
libro???...
nagpe-play station ba siya???... tatlo ba ang pamangkin
niyang lalaki???...
makukulit ba yung mga kamag-anak niya???...
green ba ang kulay ng gate ng bahay nila???...
sa village ba siya nakatira???...
may sakayan ba ng jeep na malapit sa kanila???...
nagsisimba ba siya linggo-linggo???...
kasama ba yung pamilya niya???...
at nagdadasal ba siya bago matulog???...
in short...
alam mo na nga ba???...
ang mga bagay-bagay...
ang mga simpleng bagay tungkol sa kanya...
na nagdedetermine ng sarili niya...
as in kung sino ba talaga SIYA...
pangatlo...
KAYA MO BA SIYANG TANGGAPIN???...
as in TANGGAPIN ng buong-buo...
sa lahat ng trip niya sa buhay...
sa lahat ng katopakan niya...
sa lahat ng pag-iinarte at pag-dadrama niya...
sa lahat ng kasalanang nagawa, ginawa, at gagawin pa lang
niya...
sa lahat ng naiisip niya... sa lahat ng sasabihin niya... sa kilos
niya...
sa pananamit pa pala niya... sa pagsasalita...
sa pananaw niya sa buhay... sa pagtrato niya sa
tao... sa lifestyle niya...
sa uri ng pamilyang meron siya...
sa uri ng kaibigang kasa-kasama niya...
sa style niya pagdating sa love... sa kasweetan niyang
natural...
sa paglalambing niya... sa tawa niyang pagkalakas-lakas... sa
manners niya...
sa bisyo niya kung meron man... sa mga pang-aasar niya
sayo...
sa style niya pagdating sa pagsolve ng problema...
sa problemang maaari ka ring masama...
pang-apat...
KAYA MO BANG MAGING TOTOO???...
kaya mo bang makita yung sarili mo...
na kasama pa rin siya ha...
sa isang sitwasyong pag naisip mo eh...
mapapaiyak ka na lang sa sakit...
nang dahil din sa kanya???...
kaya mo bang magmukhang tanga...
as in umiyak ng dahil sa kababawan...
ibuhos ang mga nararamdaman mo...
kahit na puro kababawan nga lang naman...
as in kahit sa harapan niya???...
kaya mo bang maging barubal pag kasama mo siya???...
yung tipo bang wala ka ng pakielam...
mawala man ang manners mo...
na wala ka naman talaga...
in short...
KAYA MO BANG MAGING IKAW KAPAG KASAMA MO NA
SIYA???...
yung tipong hindi ka nahihiyang ipakita kung sino ka talaga...
dahil alam mong...
HINDI MO LANG SIYA TANGGAP...
TANGGAP KA RIN NIYA...
BUONG-BUO RIN...
MGA TAO!!!...
tama na kasi ang trip...
tama na ang pagmamadali...
oo masarap ngang mainvolve sa isang tao...
pero diba mas masarap yun...
LALO NA KUNG ALAM MONG TOTOO YUNG
NARARAMDAMAN MO....
kaya dapat, hinde tayo nagpapabulag sa akala na ting
LOVE....
mag antay na lang tayo....
wag natin unahan....
for all we know, nde pa pala sila ang para sa atin......
...
pero pag nasagot mo lahat ng nasa taas....
baka nga mahal mo na siya....
*comment...oo nga mahal mo nga sya...eh ikaw..mahal ka ba
nun? SUS ASA KA
PA???!!!!
sarado pinto ko hmp!

You......

I love you because i know you're always there..there to catch me when i fall...there to listen when i need you, there when i feel alone. I love you because you understand me..you know how i feel even when i can't say it...you know i'm not as strong as i say and still you never let me know that i'm not fooling you. I love you because you make me believe, believe that i am not worthless...believe that i can be loved, am loved, and can love others. I love you because you know, you know i feel this way but can't say it and still you wait...letting me take my time to come to terms with the fact that i love you...would give my life up to be with you...and above all...never hurt you...lie to you...or leave you. Now i hope you understand.

Kay Tagal

Hirap matulog ng nag iisa. Palibhasa sinanay na natin ang bawat isa na magkasama palagi. Kakainis nga eh. Kahapon nagpagod tayo sa telebabad...magdamag nag kwentuhan, nag bolahan at nag hanap pa ng ibang makakausap. Di ba, hindi ka rin agad makatulog. Nawala ang antok ko sa dami ng mapapag usapan natin. Eh di napaaga ang pag higa mo ngayon dyan. Mag a alas otso pa lang ng umaga sa oras ko, imbes na nakikipag huntahan ka sa labas, bagsak na ang katawan mo sa "higaan ng pusa!" Natakot ka naman na gisingin ako, sa dahilang naaalala mong nasigawan kita noong minsan na ginising mo ako ng alanganin.
Bakit kaya sa tuwing oras ng pag gising natin, walang katapusang pag hahanap ng bawat isa ang nararamdaman natin? Kulang na talaga ang oras. Hindi ka ba nahihirapan sa pag hintay? Na nasasayang ang bawat oras natin na mag kahiwalay??
Napakatagal.......

Sleep Deprived

For months now, I've been dealing with my sleep deprivation. The longest sleep that I can have is 4 hours. It is now 1309 hrs and I am still wide awake. I've cut down my coca~cola, and been drinking diet raspberry tea and it still doesnt work. Im pretty sure there is an underlying problem to this....and never dealt with it. I'm also working 8-10 days 12 hour shift stretch.
Yeayyyy!!!
I just want this ugly cycle to end....

No....I don't have dark circles in my eyes......yet!



PS: Beh...thank you for that "Buchikik con How Did you know" rendition....Hindi pa rin po me makatulog.

Soul Mate

An Old Soul~ An experience soul who appreciates tradition. Mellow and wise, likes to be with others but also to be alone. Down to earth, sensible and impatient. A creature of habit, it takes you a while to warm up to new people.
Hates injustice, and very protective of family and friends A bit demanding, expects proper behavior from others. Extremely independent and doesn't mind living or being alone. But when he find love, he tends to want marriage right away.


Warrior Soul~ A strong person and sometimes seen as intimidating. She doesn't give up.Committed and brave. Truly adventuresome,she's not afraid of going to battle. Extremely protective of loved ones, root for the underdog.
Very picky about details and rigorous in her methods. Values honesty and fairness a great deal. She can be outspoken, intimidating, headstrong, and demanding. A hardliner who demands the best from themselves and others

Stump

"I don't know why it is easier to recuperate after a computer affair dies,.
I guess it has something to do with the fact that the intimacy does not actually exist in the first place. It's rather like waking up from a dream. The situations and characters which are believable during sleep do not seem rational in the light of day. When one looks back at a computer love after it has disappeared and its intoxicating effects have worn off,it is revealed for what is it -- an illusion. "
by:Matet

Ipe

"With love and patience, nothing is impossible"

In So Many Ways.....

From time to time, my co-workers would notice my "weird" affect.I've been having bouts of crying spells. Up until last night, one of the male newbies ask me about what's going on. I started pouring out my soul. I've never realized how mad I was.
He then asked me if I have been praying, and I admitted that I haven't, stating that I've made several wrong turns, and has forgotten to ask for Divine Intervention.
He then told me that it's ok to get mad, soon I will get over it and everything will be alright. For the longest time, I've longed to speak to somebody who understands what I am going thru. It was a good conversation. In fact, I've considered it one valuable christian conversation. Then I've come to realize that every wrong turns I made, HE is still there with me. He utilized all His resources to get my attention ...and I was just ignoring Him. Newbie whom I've judged from hearsay is giving me some rude awakening.
Fast Forward: Woke up late, and decided to go to Sonic for dinner. At the corner of Blue Grove and Pleasant Run, I've seen the red light on the other side of the road and Left turn lit up on my turf, but instead of hitting the road right away, for some reason, I decided to move my IPOD from my mug holder to the bottom part where I put my work ID. If I made a dash left turn as soon as I saw that green light (which I normally do), 2 cars that were running the red light on the opposite side, could've T-Boned my car and I would most likely die (mabilis ang takbo ng 2 sasakyan). And I uttered Thank YOU Lord. You have saved me once again.

Excerpt:
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

Skunk Email

Being drunk and pissed off at the same time, is not a good combination to type up an email especially when you are trying to make a point. I lost my gaddam point. Don't even know where the fuck my email was heading to. I lost my brain somewhere between the 3rd glass of the cocktail and 5 benadryl. Geezaweezzzz! KAKAHIYA. When I found my sent mail, I was in disbelief that I actually made it. Well, at least I have proven something....."THAT WAS MY BRAIN ON STUPID ALCOHOL AND high DOSE drug (125 mg Benadryl lang naman). Pati ako nahilo sa english ko. I was challenged trying to understand that freaking email. bwahahahahaha. Now that is one funny piece of crap! I immediately flushed it down the drain.
I remembered earlier part of the day, between my lucidity and my drunken stupor state was....I was typing away none stop, and crying at the same time. If you are going to ask me what I was typing about....probably about my discombobulated thoughts. Unfortunately, it was sent...intended to be,not to humiliate my writing but to emphasize the thoughts I've kept within me.
It may be a funny piece of email under INFLUENCE, but I've made it....straight to whatever point it would take.
....and I've finally rest my case!

Tanong lang....

How would you feel.....if you find out that your bf is flirting with another woman and not admitting to it, then you got pissy and you refused to talk to him...then you haven't heard from him for the longest time....and by the time he communicated with you.....ME IBA NA SYA?

POHTAH......nakakatawa.....bilis mong mag move on GEORGE!!!


excerpt from a text message:
I called you (20)
times on
05/06/06 10:30
but the operator
kept on saying:
"Sorry the subscriber is
having SEX!!!
Please try your call
after 4 more
rounds."

Pity Party

I've been having a pity party this month. I'm putting up a list of what my friends and family had been telling me. It would be a long list. So it will be in a constant update. Your comment is higly appreciated.

From Tonet of Binondo, Manila ( my niece)
SALAWIKAIN:
Aanhin mo ang marangyang kama na yari sa Narra kung di ka naman masaya sa iyong kasama...
Mabuti pang mahiga sa damo.....kung kasama mo'y magaling .....KUMABAYO!

BONSAI of Harinawa, NY (txt msg)
SUS...u think magagawa mo yun? confront mo sila ganun? and then what? mag iiba ba ang feeling mo after?
if u feel tirapyutik den by ol mins.

Java da Hotty of San Francisco, Malate (chat)
kahit mahal mo ang isang tao, kung niloko ka na, what's the use of continue loving that person?

Matet of Upthere Somewhere, Kinetiket (voice mail)
Hello NINANG, ngayon ko lang nakuha mga messages mo. I hope you're feeling ok.....Ksszzzzkkk Kssszzzkkk....kwek kwek..........(thank you for using Tmobile)....i dunno....ikaw basta...concern ko ikaw....sana nakatulog ka.....ayun lang....im driving.....and its paking raining......call me ok......bye!


Lolo of Lovesfield, Manila (bag phone)
TULOG NA
tulog na mahal ko
hayaan na muna natin ang mundong ito
lika na, tulog na tayo.

tulog na mahal ko
wag kang lumuha, malambot ang iyong kama
saka na mamroblema
tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
mamaya, hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
kung matulog, matulog ka na…

tulog na mahal ko
nandito lang akong bahala sa iyo
sige na, tulog na muna

tulog na mahal ko
at baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas
at sabay natin haharapin ang mundo
tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
mamaya, hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
kung matulog, matulog ka na…
hanggang makatulog ka

to be continued

The Essence of Depression

After several months of confinement, I now have the guts to cut throat....errrr....to start blogging.
In the past few months, I've been in a topsy turvy situation. And finally, after several seething moments, I've come to realize that this is not the end of my time nor a call for ambien or anti depressant overdose. I must admit, today I have to call in sick to analyze what kind of life I've been to, and what the heck did I just do. I laid awake all day today, thinking over and over again what part of my relationship went wrong. OH yes, I remembered. I'm probably one of those bitches that gives up easily on people whom I cannot trust. And I just don't wanna go back. I JUST DON'T. Why should I? I am the one running my life. Not them. I deserve to be happy and not miserable.
Ahhhhh...thank God for all my friends who stuck with me all through out. May I say that you are all special. Pag namatay nga lang ako, wala akong kayamanan na ipapartida sa inyo!!! nyehehehehehehehe.

I remembered that lingering song in my head that goes " I did my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough..."
Kaya pala when he left, ito rin ang kinakanta ko sa banyo, "Alam kong meron ng iba, sa kilos mo'y nadarama, mukhang ako ay kinalimutan mo na wala ng masasabi di ba."

One thing I can say is that.......It would take time for me to cope up with all these changes happening in my life, but I bet yah..... I am a better person than before.

PS: Special mention kay Bon Sai, letche ka....meron ka pang nalalaman na "if u feel tirapyutik den by ol mins...." YOUR PEYS!!!!

Screwed

I dont know what you are thinking about.....
But I have loved everyone that I have loved.....
I just don't understand the cheating part.....

The Misadventure of Misty Liling (Par Deux)

(sa madaling sabi, heto na naman ako at ready to strike my keyboard...la pang pasyente eh!)
Ang nakaraan:
(Basahin kaya ang sa baba nitong post ko...ng hindi na ako mag kwento pa!)
Napagtigil ako sa aking ginagawa ( flipping the chart pretending to be busy kuno). At hinarap ang aking sekretarya. Hinintay kong humupa ang kanyang iyak. Wala naman akong magawa. Sadyang matigas ang ulo ni Misty pag dating sa tinatawag na PAG IBIG.
Ilang beses ko na rin nabanggit sa kanya na kaiingat na sya sa pag pili ng makakasama nya sa buhay. Pero sadyang sabik din sya sa pag kalinga ng tao na talagang magpapaligaya at magiging tapat sa kanya.
"Ma'm Jen, kahit naman po ang mga kaibigan nya ay nagsasabing mabait si Corey eh. Tinanong ko ang isa nyang kasamahan sa trabaho, mabait ang personalidad nya at talaga namang matulungin. Ang hindi ko lang talaga malaman kung bakit hinayaan nyang mahulog ang loob ng babaeng yon." "Nakita ko sa mga text messages nya, na nag papaalam pa sya sa babae kung anong gagawin nya at me kasama pang "MUAH" or "TSUP!" Pati ang pasakit ng likod nya, ang pag alala kung kumain na ang isa't isa ay hindi nila nakakalimutan sa mga text or YM messages nila. Kahit sa madaling araw, bumabangon pa ang babae at nag la log in para lang makapag usap sila. Tama ba yun??

Nakatingin pa rin ako sa malayo, gusto ng bumukas ng bibig ko at sabihing "argh" pero hindi ko magawa. Mahirap nga namang isipin at nakakasakit ng dibdib.
Isa ako sa mga saksi ng ikinasal si Misty at Corey sa huwes. Ala Vegas style pa nga sa bilis ng kasal eh. Tipong napa talikod lang ako sandali at napabahin, pag harap ko, KASAL na sila. Potaena, where is da piktyur!?

Niyakap ko na lamang si Misty. Lalong bumunghalit ang kanyang iyak (patay! basa na sa sipon at luha ang see-thru top ko!). Inabot ko sa kanya ang Kleenex Box, at umupo sa harapan nya. Tama na yan. Alam kong mahirap isipin ang mga bagay na yan. Huwag ka na lang mag dwell sa situation. Kasi the more you think about it, the more na maiinis ka lang sa sarili mo at sa kanya. Huwag ka na rin mag isip ng masama sa pag uusap ng dalawa. Hayaan mo munang linawin ang sitwasyon, at makinig ka rin sa irarason nya kung bakit nakarating sa ganoong pag uusap sila nang babaeng yon. Hindi siya kumibo. Bagama't yun ang naka pag pa ampat ng konti sa kanyang malakas na palahaw.

" Huwag kang mag alala Ma'm Jen. Hindi pa rin naman ni minsan nasira ang mga trabaho ko. Gusto ko lang i verbalize itong nangyaring ito sa amin. Sana nga hindi totoo ang hinala ko. Pero, ewan ko ba....sadya atang nawala na ang tiwala ko sa kanya. Natatakot akong hindi ko na maibalik pa ang normalcy sa relationship namin.Laging nasasaisip ko ang tanong na "BAKIT?"

Huwag mo munang isipin ang mga nangyayaring ito, Misty. Maaaring napag isip isip rin ni Cory ang mga ginawa nya, at mag kakaliwanagan kayo. Balang araw, mapapatawad mo rin sya, pero alam kong hindi mo pa makakalimutan ang situasyon na ito.
It takes time Misty, it takes long $#*Q$&)Q$)Q time....but you'll get there.

(itutuloy)