Estrange

Just over a little a month ago,I've told my co-worker that I was feeling goofy, like someone had spiked up my drink. Unbelievably, I was holding on my BP> 212/102, and continuously worked that shift ( I am a little bit suicidal!). The physician then gave me a script for hypertension until I get to see a primary care. Everyday of my life since then on, was an ordeal. I am the type of person who works in a health care system but does not want to be a client. In other words, a very non compliant hard headed bitch. Finally, after a month, I had the guts to go to a certain Doctor in Arlington,who prescribed to double the dose of my current medicine. I guess I was so highly anxious about all the crap that he is going to find, that I shot my BP off the roof. Trusting doctors are not an easy one for me. Sometimes, I just wish I could die instantly rather than a slow painful one such as stroke and or renal failure. Just a whole lot of things had gone thru my mind.
Still a little bit on denial on my depression but I'm coping. I've learned to approach life by laughing outside, and still hurting somewhere. Suppression had been my game.
My wish...if God can hear or read this....what is Your game plan for me? I wish I knew...because honestly, I'm just so ready to give up.


Today is my mom's 76th birthday (2nd birthday after her death). How I just wish she's here. Probably somewhere, she hears my cries and all the pain I'm going through. I'm sure she's saying....hang in there.... YOU CAN DO IT.